Only puppies can save us now

The solution has been in front of our snouts all along; it is time we as a nation seize it before it’s too late

The only things standing, adorably, between humanity and the abyss.

The 2020s have been grim so far. Pandemics (plural). Civil unrest. Riots and looting. Inflation. Impending economic collapse. Twenty-first century train bandits. ANTIFA. Q-anon. Murder hornets. Le Croix.

In a country and world increasingly spinning out of control it is clear that only one thing can save humanity: Puppies.

With apologies to Dean Martin, it’s already a canine’s world, we humans are just living in it. There’s only one symbiotic relationship in the world of which I am aware that involves one species picking up another’s poop without reciprocity.

When you think about it, the parts of the world that have been left to humans are near total catastrophes. At this point it’s a miracle when any of us successfully ties our shoes in the morning on the first couple tries. I know I don’t. Research suggests that the average human being makes as many as three dozen judgement calls every day, starting with whether or not to get out of bed on time. Any one of those can end in disaster, and often does. Humans excel at screwing up. It’s actually a miracle we got this far. The amount of damage one human being can do in the course of a single day is stupefying. Just ask Joseph Hazelwood.

Puppies are precisely the opposite. Their judgment calls each day boil down to: Eat, sleep, play, poop. End of list. You can’t really screw up the world within those margins, and there’s an excellent chance you’ll make it a bit better. Sure, you might soil a carpet or two, but aside from the occasional Roomba-involved “pooptastrophe,” on a geopolitical and historical scale such infractions don’t even register.

Hey, Zuckerberg, Musk, and whoever’s in charge over at Google these days: Want to solve all your problems? Want to get rid of the fake news, the racism and homophobia and transphobia and realityphobia (a word I just made up that really ought to get into circulation)? Want to eliminate once and for all the malignancy that peppers your platforms like artillery shells filled with toxic chemicals showering the Ardennes trenches in 1917?

(We put extra elbow grease into the similes here at the all aspect report.)

Quit overthinking it. Do the logical thing, and institute puppy-based algorithms immediately. Puppies automatically to the top, followed in no particular order by kittens, baby wild animals, baby humans, Men Being Stupid, and videos like this one. Everything else goes into the cesspool where it belongs. Let Maddow and Carlson slug it out with Antifa, Q-anon, and pictures of the oddly-shaped fresh sourdough loaf your super talented partner just took out of the oven because lol #livingourbestlife.

They all can slug it out in the sludge while the rest of us look at puppies.

It is impossible not to feel joy in the presence of a puppy, even a puppy pic. The worst days of our lives, where do we retreat? Into the warm, face-licking embrace of the only species in the history of existence to have evolved and been naturally selected to become pure love. They are documented to ease physical and mental health afflictions. All they ask in return are ear scratches, playtime, and good kibble. The occasional sneak of roast beef. A butt sniff from time to time.

While they’re at it, the social media overlords should add a politics:puppies ratio to their platforms: For every post about politics or pizzagate or street riots or conspiracy theories, one hundred posts about puppies. Forget the armies of “fact checkers,” belay the thousands of mind-numbing hours Congress has scheduled to inevitably exacerbate the problems. The 100:1 ratio will save social media and ensure that the coming AI and metaverse are puppy-intensive environments.

Think I’m joking? Where would the vast majority of people rather spend time, Fox News and MSNBC, or The Dodo? You will sell a LOT more online ads, and unlike the present set-up actual people will actually click them. Trust me, puppies are a nothing less than an asymmetrical market advantage. Canine-based capitalism. Pooch-intensive politicking. On my last political campaign an ad I helped create involving our candidate and puppies got the most views of anything we put out.

The proof is out there. The pooch is out there.

There are more economic and societal benefits to a puppy-based Internet. Puppies have crime-fighting benefits. Obviously there are K-9 units in virtually every police and military unit in the country. That’s the enforcement side. On the crime prevention side, puppies are nature’s own Minority Report, only without the existential threats to the very existence of civilized society.

Consider: Not liking puppies is as perverse as not liking springtime, the sun, or oral sex. Or oral sex in the sun in the springtime. The only people who don’t like puppies are psychopaths, serial killers, rapists, and lawyers. And Donald Trump. There were no puppies in any of Osama bin Laden’s videos, ‘nuff said.

And no, that’s not to compare the former commander in chief to the late terrorist mastermind.

Not really.


Kind of.

Anyway, speaking of terrorists and psychopaths, anyone who doesn’t share puppy posts at least occasionally goes on a watch list and will be forbidden from purchasing firearms. There’s all the social credit scoring we’ll ever need. Upvote a puppy video on social media, your social credit goes up a point automatically (unless it’s a picture of one of Joe Biden’s “I’m a manly man, I swear” German Shepherds — nothing against the mutts themselves, but we can no longer enable the President’s overcompensation).

Upvote enough and you get an automatic First Class upgrade on your next domestic flight.

Downvote too many puppy videos? Gitmo.

Simple. Done.

You’re welcome, ‘Mercia.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s