I had to read the headline a couple of times. Then I had to double check that I was reading The New York Times and not The Onion or The Babylon Bee.
Nope, it was right there, in the Letters to the Ethicist page of one of the most august newspapers of record in history: “As a White Man, Can I Date Women of Color to Advance My Antiracism?”
This is unintentional self-parody of the highest order.
The very first sentence is comic gold: I’m a straight white dude and recent college grad who has very progressive beliefs and is looking for a committed partner who, in time, can equitably raise a family with me.
After reading the headline, the “recent college grad” part was redundant. Of course he’s a recent college grad. Only a recent college grad would even think of writing this Letter to the Ethicist, much less actually do it. A more accurate headline would be, “As a White Dude, Can I Use Black Chicks to Feel Good About Myself?”
He also appears afraid to use the word “man,” which in any event almost certainly does not apply to him. He’s a “dude,” all right.
Also, and excuse my French, what the fuck does it mean to “equitably raise a family?” I looked it up, and the definition of the word “equitably” is “dealing fairly with all concerned.” Isn’t that the bedrock assumption in a marriage (or, to use the parlance of our times, a “partnership”)? Isn’t that the whole point of the “loving and cherishing, in sickness and health” stuff?
Notice the unconscious self-centered inversion of language. Most people describe how they hope to raise a family with their partner. This dude puts himself in the superior position, expecting her to raise their family with him. It’s a small tell, but it’s a tell.
Next comes a supersize helping of virtue signaling: I’ve dated women of various shapes and sizes, various skin, hair and eye colors, etc., and have been attracted to all of them.
He could have saved some space and just written, I’m a really, really good person. But remember, dude’s a recent college grad. Bully on him for being so open minded that he’s dated girls with brown eyes and girls with blue eyes. He’s probably even down with the hazel. There’s some true diversity for you. And you have to love the “various shapes and sizes” bit. Nothing says progressive like objectifying women’s bodies. “Last year I dated a Latina girl who was pretty quadrilateral. Julie, my current squeeze, is a black dodecahedron. I’m pretty awesome.”
We all have that friend who’s dating or married to someone who, physically speaking, is way, way, way out of their league. I have a buddy who honestly is not much to look at. He’s pretty frumpy. But he’s such a prince of a fellow that he’s dating a girl who could probably be a cover model. She’s stunning. And she’s dating him because he’s a prince, and he treats her really, really well. That’s how it’s supposed to work.
This mind warping has been done to an entire generation. I feel terrible for them. Since they were toddlers, when their parents or teachers were reading How to Raise an Antiracist, they’ve been simmering in a putrid broth of racial recrimination, the primary ingredients of which are white guilt and nonwhite oppression in which no one is allowed individual agency. They don’t learn about the Tuskeegee Airmen, but they know all about the Tuskeegee Experiments. They’ve been taught all of the horrors and none of the triumphs. Many are smart enough to see through it. Many, like this dude, sadly, are not. It must be a terrible way to go through life, seeing racism in food labels and street signs. The ultimate, tragic irony is that they are actually being taught to cure racism with racism.
After another paragraph’s worth of virtuous throat-clearing, he gets to the crux: I am seeking to be antiracist in all my relationships.
Someone needs to put down the Ibram Kendi and pick up some MLK. A white man aspiring to date women of color in order to elevate his own self-regard is a phenomenal example of racism. This dude is practicing anti-antiracism.
Part of the reason that I prioritize it is to combat implicit bias, having grown up in a fairly white, quasi rural place. I am dedicated to educating myself on issues of racism, sexism and other forms of kyriarchy while also learning from marginalized people. For me….
I, I, myself, for me. This dude is so self-involved he could give himself his own colonoscopy.
Again, in a very real way I feel sorry for him. He’s been so thoroughly brainwashed by wokeism that he doesn’t realize one of his most important life goals is a thoroughly transactional relationship that ultimately is about his own self-aggrandizement. He wants to marry a “marginalized” person. I bet his future wife partner will be thrilled when she comes across this five or ten years into their relationship.
And yes, I had to look up “kyriarchy.” You don’t want to. Trust me.
Here’s the real kicker: For me, attractions start with principles. I start by eating a food or adopting a habit because it’s good for me, and after trying it enough times, I find I really like it for what it is.
He’s comparing his future soulmate, who will be one of the small handful of the most loved and trusted people in his life, to organic chard. How sad is it that he thinks he can force his heart to follow his ego? How sad is it that he’s been taught that this is a good way to live his life? The scary part is that he’s almost certainly sincere in all of this.
And one of the main ways that I hope to combat racism individually is by leveraging my own privilege (economic, family connections, education) for people of color, including any biracial children we bring into this world.
This is where amusement (and pity) turn to a sort of rage. This dude’s entire life plan is premised on the White Man’s Burden. Which, of course, is what wokeism ultimately is all about. It’s a version of manifest destiny, in which the enlightened white man uses his privilege to uplift the masses of Others, who without him would be forever lost. Our dude plans to treat his wife and children as vessels of his sense of his own personal goodness. From his lofty perch of privilege he will reach down into the squalid world of the oppressed Other, select one, and uplift her by dint of his superiority. He will learn to love her because it’s good for himself. He will selflessly lend her (“leverage”) his superior economic position, superior family connections, and superior education. All of which noxiously smacks of, you know, his belief in his superior race. This will be his gift to the world. God help his children.
The punchline is that The New York Times Ethicist — a middle aged black man — enthusiastically approves, up to and including the comparison of partner to produce (I swear I wrote the chard sentence before I read the Ethicist’s response).
Your devotion to self-improvement is impressive. Like a dish of quinoa and kale that you may once have forced down and now actively enjoy, a woman of color could, you think, raise your game, supplying something like antiracist roughage. You’d be using your erotic ecumenism to level up. Where your shallower classmates have hookups, your dates would be teach-ins. ‘‘Do the work,’’ the slogan urges, and you’re rolling up your sleeves.
Set aside for a moment the unfortunate dual implications of “forcing down” one’s romantic partner before “actively enjoying” her. He actually refers to a human woman as “antiracist roughage.” Meaning what, she’s going to help the dude poop out his racism? Roughage is an indigestible byproduct in human waste that helps with digestion. It has no nutritional value. It literally just glides along the GI tract, scraping away bad stuff before being expelled. That’s the comparison? “I’d like to you meet my wife, Black Metamucil.” And the Ethicist is a black guy!
Also – excuse my French again – what the actual fuck is “erotic ecumenism,” and how does it level one up in life? And again the objectification: A woman of color will “raise his game.”
Finally, the Ethicist offers a bit of insipid toadying to the dude. Classmates — male and female, straight, gay, bi, and trans, white, black, brown, yellow, and taupe — who choose to date within their race will be reduced not to following their hearts, but hooking up. In contrast, the dude’s penetrative acts will be coital teach-ins. Imagine the sexting: “I’m gonna teach it into to you so good tonight, baby!”
Although you’re not objectifying your hypothetical partner, you are, just a little, instrumentalizing her. That’s not to say you aren’t entitled to pursue this campaign of strenuous self-optimizing.
He is objectifying her, you pusillanimous paradigm peddler! A lot! And instrumentalizing her! A lot! And if I hear a phrase like “campaign of strenuous self-optimizing” one more time I swear to Buddha, Allah, and Holy Christ and all his disciples I’m going to start taking hostages.
At last we come, by commodius vicus of recirculation, to the ultimate inversion. According to the Ethicist, whom The New York Times presumably is paying handsomely to validate this dude’s ego trip, this dude is “entitled” to his strenuous racial self-optimizing. Ladies and gentlemen, we are through the looking glass. If you can explain why a white dude is entitled to use a woman of color to compensate for his guilt over his own perceived entitlement, I am all ears.
This is warped. I really do wish it had been in The Onion.
the all aspect report 